Sonnet from the extra long airport layover

Thoughts of all I poured out in love to you

Depleted all my heart’s life blood; now faint

Whimpering, trying to arouse life anew.

Failing-- for you think you’re my sinners’ saint.

Won’t let you rule my healing—God controls

Me and I willfully obey my Lord.

A victim of no one I will take hold

Unnecessary to have your regard.

You took of me what you cannot return

Dishonorable toward my woman’s heart

Avowed promises of words and eyes spurned

Unable to fulfill the knightly art.

So much so wrong, why can’t I give you up?

From pangs within, my love, it still erupts.

Beautiful Song I Hesitate to Post

Every time this song comes on Pandora, I stop and listen to it. That is unusual for me-- I don't really appreciate music as much as I should and I rarely ever notice the lyrics. But for some reason, this one always gets me. I hesitate to post it, because I don't want anyone to infer any deep long lost romance from it. But for some reason, I love this song so very much. I don't have anything that "I never told" someone. But it is such an amazing song and I love it. And I like Colbie's hat...surprise, surprise. 

"I Never Told You"

Facebook and Me

I am seriously considering deactivating my Facebook account. But the problem is that I don’t want people to think that I defriended them, and I still want to receive messages and Facebook invitations to events. But I don’t like the time consuming aspect of Facebook and I need to refrain from commenting and using it for any reason except as an inbox. I don't know what to do. Any thoughts?

Spiritual Autobiography Part Three

To my dearest and closest friends, I wanted to share something with you.

There have been many circumstances-- both external and internal-- that made me decide that I would return to the Catholic Church.

I decided to do so on Monday, and made an appointment for Confession on Wednesday. I went and confessed and was therefore free to receive Communion, which I did on Thursday.

Someone asked me if it felt any different than taking Communion at my Anglican church. It did not. I firmly believe that although the elements of Communion may be substantively different at different churches, God honors a heart in the posture to receive him.  My heart was receptive to him in the same way on Wednesday as it was the week before at Church of the Resurrection, but I have a different knowledge and understanding of the elements I am consuming now. I experienced a heightened reverence and expectation in my taking Communion, but I did not feel different. But feeling a certain way is not the goal, end, or proof of actions of faith, in my experience.

I can tell you that I did hear from God in a much easier, audible, direct, and intuitive way after taking Communion. I believe that this is because I obeyed Him in a way that was scary for me and required a big leap of faith. I essentially gave my “fiat” (a nugget of wisdom shared with me by a friend) and acted on the small mustard seed of faith and bowed before God’s nudging. I think He showed himself powerful and ever-loving to me in my act of submission, and that is why I heard from him in an extra-special way.

Meanwhile, I am meeting with the head Pastor from my Anglican church soon and I am going to tell him about this. Please pray for me to gain perspective and direction about what to do next. I need to talk and think and pray more about what to do about my current church, which I love. I am also extremely sensitive and cautious about sharing this information, NOT because I want to be secretive, but because I want to be private for now.

I don’t appreciate or want to participate in hearty community expressions of “oh good, now you are RIGHT, or you finally saw the light,” or other judgmental and xenophobic expressions that I don’t identify with at all. That will never be my heart for God’s people. So I want to kind of hibernate in my relationship with God and of course maintain my Godly friendships and community (all of which are outside of the walls of the Church building anyway) and not jump in and get involved in spreading the news that I have returned to the Catholic Church.

For me, what is important for people to know about me is that I am the same Juliet (or JuJuBee) as I was before. Just because I go to Mass and take Communion rather than staying in the pew, does not mean that my faith will change in any way but in expression. A seed of faith was planted in my heart as a child, and this is where the latest growth spurt of God-ordained maturity is taking me.

So thank you, friends, my beloved friends, for your generous, loving and wise spirits. I am only the woman I am today because of all of you!

Love,

Juliet

Take that, iPod and Blackberry

"Our inventions are wont to be pretty toys, which distract our attention from serious things. They are but improved means to an unimproved end.” -- Henry David Thoreau (1854)

On the Importance of Loving Rightly

"Every person is what he loves. Love becomes like unto that which it loves. If it loves heaven, it becomes heavenly; if it loves the carnal as a god, it becomes corruptible. The kind of immortality we have depends on the kind of loves we have…the slow conversion of a subject into an object, of a lover into the beloved, of the miser into his gold, of the saint into his God, discloses the importance of loving the right things. The nobler our loves, the nobler our character. To love what is below the human is degradation; to love what is human for the sake of the human is mediocrity; to love the human for the sake of the Divine is enriching; to love the Divine for its own sake is sanctity."
--Fulton Sheen  

Just Around the Corner

I took a beautiful dress to an alterations shop last night. I am so excited to have a dress that is the perfect length and fits me perfectly. I will be wearing it in a wedding in three weeks (three weeks!!) in Tiburon, California. I am so excited. I love the dress, and I love the lady getting married and her very sweet, very loving fiancé. I also have loved getting to know her family better, and they are one of the very best families I have ever known.

I get to spend time with two of my close friends who will be staying with me at my aunt’s house, as well as see my aunt, my mom, and my little cousin. It will be a blast, and a house full of femininity, that is for sure. (My poor uncle!).

Confession

Dear Jesus, please forgive me for loving 'things' too much. I love some of my earrings and my clothes too much. I treasure and value and care for them, and I am thankful for them, because they are a gift from you. And I thank you for them. I pray that you remove any unwarranted attachment to them and help me to love you and not things.

Amen.

Thanks Be To God

Prayer for Humility

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being honored, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being praised, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being approved, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being humiliated, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being despised, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected, Deliver me, Jesus.

That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease,  
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside,  
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I unnoticed,  
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything,  
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should,  
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

Dear Mr. Hitchens

Dear Mr. Hitchens,

I hope this note finds you well—and in a timely manner. I am skeptical of the @aol.com email address; not many people I know still use AOL. But I hope that your eyes do see this someday soon. I am in a sense a fan of yours: more a fan of you as a person than of you as an author, because I have truthfully never read any of your books. I have, however, read your articles; I prefer vignettes, columns, editorials, and commentaries for the same reason I prefer portraits of people. The artist must find the essence of the individual and capture her in one image or short composite of images. Beauty is not the goal, necessarily, but breadth and depth of expression.

I have followed your health crisis of the last few years, and have contemplated sickness, disease, restricted livelihood, and the eternal nature of humanity and the whole created order. We likely disagree on much, but surely also share much in common. There really is not much variation between two feet, two hands, two eyes, and two ears the world over. On the spectrum of life’s experiences, chances are we could really resonate with one another’s joys and grief.

I have recently been on a transforming journey of grief that touched the depth of my heart, but even in the depths of this grief, I am not without hope. One of the most poignant philosophical thoughts (I believe it is attributed to C.S. Lewis) is that the mere inkling of hope is in fact a supernatural allusion to Christ’s Resurrection. There is no reason to expect hope or a happy ending when all that stares us in the face is decay and destruction. Where is this universally experienced foreshadowing coming from? It can only come from the preeminence of God and his eternal nature as Alpha and Omega.

Despite the despair and grief that sometimes consumes mind and heart, my soul and spirit cry out to God, trusting that He is sovereign and that He cares. The great safety net of Christian faith is not that bad things will not happen, but that when they inevitably do, God will “work all things (ALL THINGS) together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His promises” (Romans 8:28).

Here are two sonnets I  wrote in my grief and struggling with hope, heartbreak, trusting God, and moving on. I share them with you because you may appreciate why I write, and possibly empathize on the human level of the plea for hope and wholeness.

Thanksgiving For When It's Hard

I find it difficult to praise and thank

You Lord when a grin is not a reflex

response; when Your Will brings regret and vex

Yet you want me true, in word and deed, frank.

So I tell you this Thanksgiving that I 

Am grateful that you weep when I am hurt;

Consoling me through pain you don’t avert

You can—but don’t—“let this cup pass me by.”

Therefore I trust your greater high purpose

You work all things—ALL THINGS—for Good for those

Like me, who in faith, want just what You chose

I say and mean it; help my heart feel this. 

Thank you, my God, that my pain’s not the end,

I fell in love when you made me your friend!

Moving On

Tonight I buried myself alive, Love

I dug a hole in faith that this is best

Put all the relics I must grow free of

Whilst still breathing, I stifled in death’s rest

Suffocating, my heart down there drowning

My soul is with the items laid in sand

Each grain like a hope in past love I’d cling

Now shoveling with furied passion at hand

I’m not Godly like Abraham, his son

he did not withhold, but gave faithfully;

Can’t will myself let go this dearest one

Unless I’m lost too… my sinful folly.

Lord, my offering is paltry, please take

my mustard seed trust, with it a tree make.

Peace be with you, Mr. Hitchens! And I will continue to pray for you to be at rest and know the Love and kindness of my God.

Love is not a Fight

Watch VIDEO By Warren Barfield

Love is not a place
To come and go as we please
It's a house we enter in
Then commit to never leave

So lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
We'll work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

To some, love is a word
That they can fall into
But when they're falling out
Keeping that word is hard to do

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

Love will come to save us
If we'll only call
He will ask nothing from us
But demand we give our all

Love is a shelter in a raging stormLove is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

I will fight for you
Would you fight for me?
It's worth fighting for

What are the words of the Lord like?

And the words of the LORD are flawless, like silver purified in a crucible, like gold refined seven times. 

--Psalm 12:6

Don't Be Surprised

"Grace is Change, and Change is Pain."

- paraphrase, Flannery O'Connor

The Most Romantic 'Man' in the World

Jesus Riding on a White Horse (Revelation 19)

1 You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
   and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
   too lofty for me to attain. 

- Psalm 139: 1-6

Wow. Today is a big day for me for several reasons, and a particularly hard one for me this year. But God is good and shows me that he loves me even when I couldn’t be less thrilled with where He has me for right now. He is the most romantic man in the world, and He knows me and makes me feel special and beloved, and he knows the romantic, sensitive heart he put in my body.

About a year ago, I bought a pretty cross necklace. It was a providential find….from the fine jewelry department at Macy’s but on super clearance for $15. Amazing. About eight months ago, I lost the necklace.

I looked and looked for it everywhere I could think of. All of my drawers, behind my door, under the bed, under the rug in my room. Everywhere. I couldn’t figure out what had happened to that necklace.

Well, I came home during my lunchbreak at work. As I was hanging up a few items of clothing, my necklace appeared on the rug in the middle of my room. I have moved and vacuumed this same rug many times since I lost the necklace.

Thinking on it, I noted God’s goodness, sweetness, and providence in restoring this sweet and precious symbol to me. This necklace has a lot of meaning to me and I am so glad to have it back. The fact that I found it today, of all days, is especially poignant. Thank you God, I love you!

"Well, That Was Creepy"

I taught Sunday school this week, and forgot to bring my laptop for the music. I was able to ask one of the kind worship leaders to come downstairs and play a song for the kids, but after he went back upstairs, my partner wanted to sing one more. That meant that he and I had to sing a capella a song that the kids like and know. We did, it was frightening but it went okay.

After we finished, one of the boys, probably nine years old said, "Well, that was creepy!"

...And Back to World Events

Since the 1950s, these things have changed, according to the book I read today:

1. Government Theism has increased in reaction to athiestic communism of the USSR
2. Military Supremacy replaced a norm of immediate demobilization days after wars' end
3. State Supported Capitalism as a primary foreign policy goal and platform.

This is very interesting. I had not realized that these were such start changes in foreign policy matters since the inception of the Cold War. 

One Example of True Love

The following is a song by Tenth Avenue North. I hope to fall in love someday with someone as understanding as the speaker in this song. The grace for the sinner/shamed/fearful/scared is truly incredible. He is covering her and extending grace, loving her as himself, and not holding her sins/fears against her. 

OH MY DEAR by Tenth Avenue North

I called you up, you were in bed, could barely make out the words that you said
But you wanted to see me instead, so I got dressed
So I stepped out into the snow, and walked for a mile or so
Felt the rush of blood come from the cold, within my chest

Well, you finally came to the door, and we talked for an hour or more
Until I asked if you would stay up until four, and you said that's fine
But you said "theres something I have to say, and I can't because I am just so afraid"
And so I held you as you started to shake, that night.

Oh, my dear, I'll wait for you
Grace tonight will pull us through
Until the tears have left your eyes
Until the fear can sleep at night
Until the demons that you're scared of
Disappear inside
Until the guilt begins to crack
And this weight falls from your back
Oh, my dear, ill keep you in my arms tonight

You slowly lifted your head from your hands
You said "I just don't think you'll understand
You'll never look at me that way again
If you knew what I did"

And so your tears fell and melted the snow
You told me secrets nobody had known
But I never loved you more, even though
Now I know what you did

Oh, my dear, ill wait for you
Grace tonight will pull us through
Oh, my dear, ill wait for you
Grace tonight will pull us through
Until the tears have left your eyes
Until the fear can sleep at night
Until the demons that you're scared of
Disappear inside
Until the guilt begins to crack
And this weight falls from your back
Oh, my dear, ill keep you in my arms tonight

Thanksgiving Preview

Dear Ones,

It is only early September, but I feel deeply in my soul that Thanksgiving is right here, right now. The cool, rainy, and overcast weather has swept the dusty last days of summer away. I lament the end of the glorious sunny season, but somehow I always end up warming to the heart of the autumn season. While spring is the season of growth, and summer is the season of ripening and glorying in bounty, fall has its own unique charm: for me, fall represents the moment at which– the nanosecond at which—the almonds are perfectly roasted to bring out the fullness of the flavor, the muffin tops are perfectly browned, and the trail of fragrance from the baking spiced cake wafts to your nose and fills the house with a warm, autumn aura.

Autumn is a perfect moment, and it feels to me like a celestial hug. It is the feeling of pulling your down comforter over your face and snuggling into the warmth of your blankets, a delightful contrast to the chilled and fresh air on the other side of the covers. Warm autumn memories, sights, sounds, and smells are a constant delight.

I am so thankful to have these blessed associations to hearken back to when it is hard to be thankful. On the simplest level of weather, atmosphere, and basic provisions needed for warmth, dryness, and sustenance, our God is at work to show us His Goodness. And I am grateful. May I never forget it!

For this, and for all the more meaningful blessings of family, faith, hope, and love, I am eternally grateful. Happy Thanksgiving!

Love,

Juliet

Thanksgiving For When It's Hard

I find it difficult to praise and thank
You Lord when a grin is not a reflex
response; when Your Will brings regret and vex

Yet you want me true, in word and deed, frank.

So I tell you this Thanksgiving that I 

Am grateful that you weep when I am hurt;

Consoling me through pain you don’t avert
You can—but don’t—“let this cup pass me by.”

Therefore I trust your greater high purpose
You work all things—ALL THINGS—for Good for those
Like me, who in faith, want just what You chose
I say and mean it; help my heart feel this. 

Thank you, my God, that my pain’s not the end,

I fell in love when you made me your friend!

--JTG

The Way of A Pilgrim

How to pray without ceasing: excerpted from "The Way of a Pilgrim," translated by R.M. French

The prayer that doesn't stop is the prayer of Jesus, the uninterrupted calling upon the name of Jesus with the lips, in the spirit and in the heart, while forming a picture of his presence and imploring his grace during every occupation--at all times, in all places, even during sleep. The appeal is couched in these terms: "Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me"-- a Western mantra if I ever heard one. One who accustoms himself to this appeal experiences a result so deep a consolation and so great a need to offer the prayer always that he can no longer live without it and will begin to voice itself within him of its own accord. Sit down alone and in silence. Lower your head. Shut your eyes. Try to put all other thoughts aside. Be calm. Be patient. For the first two days, the pilgrim is told to repeat the prayer 3,000 times, 6,000 times for the next two days, then 12,000 times, and then without limit. 

As I read more of how this worked out in the ancient pilgrim's life, I will update my blog! Until then, keep repeating, "Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me, a sinner."