"You are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for His own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who called you out of darkness and into his marvelous light." 1 Peter 2:9
These are two sonnets I wrote about forgiveness, grace, and bitterness. The first one was written in February, and the second, this week. Obviously, I still struggle with this concept.
The first is loosely based on two stories: Steven Curtis Chapman's family struggle, and the Prodigal Son. The second is a glimpse from the perspective of the 'unforgiven.'
Grace is Enough
Dad threw his weight upon his boy who killed
His baby sister as he drove from home.
Dad pinned him, poured out prayers that he'd "Be filled
With peace...grace...peace...grace...peace...grace...peace"-- God's poem.
Righteous father peered out in expectance.
Errant child though he was, he was dear loved.
Sloth and greed could not sear family bond, hence
man flew son-ward; with grace estrangement shoved.
The prodigal in guilt or innocence
is overwhelmed, awash in flood of grace.
Yet my ugliness--my most feared essence--
pure snow in bloodied eclipse of Christ's face.
Can't earn your faith, though I fight, I can't win;
Your love covers my multitudes of sin. - JTG, February 2011
Bitterness Destroys
The wisdom says that unforgiveness is
a noose around the unforgiving’s neck.
That she alone is hurt by bitterness
no plank she sees; obsessed with my eye speck.
I dare to say this wisdom is foolish;
While, yes, the unforgiving is a slave
to wounding; she also damns and inflicts
Much pain and shame each moment grace not gave.
Repentant sinners we all are, what ruth
in not extending mercy to others;
Look to see the best, which is often Truth
For Love looks not to hurt, but love covers.
For sinner’s part, I must examine aim:
Does want of good opinion drive my shame? -JTG, July 2011
My parents were raised Catholic and married in the Catholic Church. Accordingly, all four of their children were baptized Catholic and received the sacraments through First Communion in second grade. We went to catechism. I don’t remember anything at all from CCD except the story of the rich man and Lazarus (a rather jarring story, to say the least!) as recorded in all four Gospels.
I was an altar girl along with my sister, and we were at church very often. I remember going with my father to “empty” churches during the day for him to pray. I knew the rules, the words, and the traditions.
When I was in fourth grade, I went to a Christian summer camp and met other people who were on fire for Jesus. I loved camp and really came into a deeper knowledge of my faith there. I associated true Christian life and reality with that experience; it was transformative.
I went to a new school in a new town the next year and my parents started trying out protestant churches which had more opportunities for families such as vacation Bible school, and summer camps and youth groups. Once all four of the kids had received our first communion, we started going full time to Clovis Evangelical Free Church. Aside from Mass attendance, we stopped participating with the catholic church. At school and at youth group, I was the one always standing up for the Catholics (using the limited knowledge I had, which was indeed a very evangelical view of Catholicism because my parents were more protestant-leaning in their Catholicism in terms of certain prayer practices).
Those years, probably age 11 through 26-- so a full 15 years-- I was hard core protestant, with Catholic sympathies. I was a questioner and inquisitive and smart, and had a decent foundation in the Bible and prayer. And I never thought I would be interested in seriously converting to Catholicism, mainly because I didn’t personally know any Catholics whose faith I admired. At all.
As an adult, and a new resident to Washington DC, I came to love and accept the whole body of Christian believers of all styles, denominations, traditions, and practices. I made friends with charismatics, theater-church people, mega church attendees, old school liturgical churches, reformed theologians, and of course Catholics. I got involved in an evangelical Anglican church affiliated with the Rwandan Anglican Church.
Like me, my family and everyone I knew thought this was great that I found a Bible believing and preaching church that taught Jesus and had orthodox views. I was fully able to embrace any church and person who loved Jesus and had orthodox views of the Trinity, Jesus, sin and grace, and salvation, etc. This included Catholics and all varieties of evangelical protestant churches.
I fully agreed with my Church’s statement that while we must be firm and united with the ancient Christians in the “essentials” of Christianity, we have freedom to agree to disagree on the “distinctives” of each denomination and their beliefs on baptism, communion, singing, dancing, alcohol consumption, etc.
I am not quite sure what is happening, but somewhere along the line, my thoughts started to change…
I have a friend who has been looking for a new job in a new field for a long time. In fact, not only was he looking for a job, but he was looking for a job in a new town, across the country, where his girlfriend grew up. His plan was always to look for a job there, and then once the job was secured, he would propose and marry that girl! So after a diligent season of searching, my friend got a job! And he just told me he has proposed, and she accepted! This is amazing and Providential. I thank God that I have been able to witness this entire series of events in his life. It has not been easy, I am sure, to live in such long-standing uncertainty, but he has been faithful to God, and God has been infinitely faithful to provide. God sometimes asks for a little patience, but then mightily moves on our behalf once things align with His Will. What an amazing testimony! Thanks for living out your faith, friend! And God, WOW!
I love this photo. It is one of my favorite photos of me, because, well, I am in it, yet I am not, really. It is interesting to think that a tiny sliver of my face is actually recognizable as me. We are in our very nature ourselves and our appearance carries so much power...although it is just the skin covering our souls. Anyway, do you see me? I so see myself but at the same time almost completely miss it.
Today my mind has been stuck in memories and remembrances. I am living in Fantasyland and have high hopes for many things. But tomorrow, I know that the things I cannot control will disappoint me and I will come crashing down. So I am praying in advance of that crash. If you could pray for me, I could really use it!
Thanks friends!
I guess here's another reason to write a blog: prayer requests! Random visitors to this site who stumble on it accidentally, I welcome your prayers too!
The Relinquished Life. Galatians 2:20. My Utmost For His Highest Art, marklawrencegallery.com
I am dealing with some very big lies in my life that have been with me since childhood. Namely, that I am a very hurtful person, disguised by a façade of kindness and Godliness. Let me explain.
I was the oldest of four children, very dominant and strong willed. I was smart, crafty, selfish, and manipulative. I got what I wanted, and I usually dominated by siblings and exasperated my parents to get it. This continued until I was a young adult going to college. I remember in high school, one boy that I had a crush on told me, “you are the meanest nice person I know; or the nicest mean person I know.” That hurt!
Then I had the knowledge that I hurt one of my classmates so much that he wanted to end his life. I recall horrible names I used to call other people, and all the mean thoughts I had in my head toward them.
But when I fully surrendered my heart to the Lord, everything changed. My words, mouth, and mind—which are my strongest gifts from God—had been held hostage by the devil and used for his purposes. Once I determined to take them back and use them for good, my words, thoughts, and communications have been full of light and life. I was redeemed from the old Juliet, and as it says in Galatians 2:2—my old nature was literally dead , crucified with Christ, and it was no longer me who lived, but Christ who enlivened my body and illumined my thoughts.
Yet, sometimes the people “who knew me when” recall me as the hurtful person that I was, and that image (false image!) of myself pre-Christformation returns and makes me feel and see myself as mean, dark, hurtful and selfish. I completely forget that my old self is buried in the shadow of the Cross.
But more or less I have moved completely forward since everyone I know now, at least in DC, has only known me in my true form (redeemed by Christ).
But my recent relationship ending has caused major ripple effects in this pattern in my life, and disconcerting fears have surfaced. Accusations of the enemy have returned full force in my life, accusing me of hurtful and ungodly actions and behavior. This has been extremely trying for me and is a struggle between my flesh and spirit, the old, crucified Juliet, and the Juliet of Blood who has been raised to life in Christ.
How to get rid of this haunting accusation from the past? TO BE CONTINUED….
Planned Parenthood operates on public property. Therefore, all citizens are able to freely stand and congregate in the space. Many pro-life individuals, like me, do so on a regular basis, to bring a prayerful presence to the property. About a month ago, Planned Parenthood had a landscaper come in and replace the grass we used to gather and pray on, with bark and bushes and plants. Someone said the rose bushes have thorns. They are not big enough yet to really observe the thorns, but my newest prayer is that they will miraculously never appear!
While many fellow pro-lifers were upset and dismayed by this change of landscape, I see some symbolism of God’s sovereignty in it. Take a look at what I wrote while I was praying there yesterday:
Paul Planted, Silas Watered, but God Gives the Growth (1 Corinthians 3:6)
A Sonnet by JTG
The seeds we’ve planted through prayer have sprouted.
Bark, bushes and roses—our evidence.
Hark! God’s sovereign life-giving’s here touted,
Growth outside death’s door is God’s providence.
Change stirs all-round in my deep soul as well
God’s altered my heart as I prayed for theirs.
I must hope same power changes, fears quell
Hearts far from Love, Truth—moms, dad, volunteers.
Our prayers poured forth now are seeds for “someday”
These babes—born or not—are in our lineage.
In our spiritual heritage of faith
We’re Godparents, and our prayers build a bridge.
Paul plants, Silas waters, but Jesus grows (1 Cor. 3:6)
Lord, let bushes have no thorns on the roses.
If possible, I think the actual church is even more lovely
Last night, I went to bed earlier than usual. I had an amazing dream that I was rescuing a child that had drowned. For some reason, everyone assumed the child was dead, but when I was holding it, I sensed that it was barely alive and I urged the medics to check. Sure enough, the baby survived!
Then I woke up to the sound of singing outside of my window. Yes, singing, like a choir. It was beautiful and really compelling, so I raised my blinds and tried to see out. What I saw was maybe the most amazing, astounding, and beautiful scene I may have ever seen. It is something made even more meaningful by the fact that I woke up from a dream to this reality.
Apparently, as I vaguely recalled, there was a late night wedding at the church across the street. I had seen people shuffle into the hall around 8:15pm or so, and now it was 11:30pm. When I was awakened and looked out my window, about twenty people gathered on the church stairs—mostly the bridal party, it looked like—and the married couple was getting ready to leave the ceremony. And before they did so, the friends and family standing around sang a hauntingly beautiful hymn in another language (probably Latin, I suppose). It was dark outside, they were illumined by streetlights on my picturesque neighborhood block outside of a gorgeous church, and the song was so simple, beautiful, and probably some kind of blessing. Then they prayed to complete the blessing, and the couple got into the “just married” car and drove off.
When people ask me what music I like, I am always at a loss. I don’t consider myself to have any semblance of sophisticated or unique taste in music. I also suppose that what I “like” and what I “listen to” often differ because my soul cannot stomach a lot of the “sounds” that I like. For example, I like the sound of many songs that Rihanna sings,but I get creeped out and distressed if I listen to the dark and broody lyrics for any amount of time. But on the other hand, I listen to a lot of worship music because I need it to be in the background of my mind although the sound at hand is not my preference.
So instead of determining what categories of music and sound I like, I will give the demonstrative account of what music I like by listing the albums I have actually spent money on in the past year. I rarely buy music, and when I do, it is on iTunes, so this really is reflective of what I “love.” And thus, I guess it is the type and style of music I like, since I did, in fact, buy it. Okay. In order from newest (this week) to oldest (about 12 months ago).
Artist: Album
Natalie Grant: Love Revolution
Matt Maher: Empty and Beautiful
Mandisa: What if We Were Real
Soul Surfer: Original Motion Picture Score
Soul Surfer: Music from the Motion Picture
Cece Winans: Thy Kingdom Come
Josh Turner: Your Man
Sara Groves: Tell Me What You Know
50 Greatest Pieces of Classical Music
Step Up 3D: Soundtrack
Tenth Avenue North: Light Meets Dark
Sara Groves: Fireflies and Songs
Brad Paisley: Time Well Wasted
Matt Maher: Alive Again
David Crowder Band: Church Music
Michael Card: Joy in the Journey
My favorite?
This CD is un-be-lievable. And his concerts are even more so. I love it.
To me, very very little could be worth the heartache I have felt. But I do believe that God would not let me walk through something this hard without a blessing on the other side.
And I don’t know what the point was, or what blessing and lesson will turn up. But I have observed that since I am now single again, I have had much more opportunity all of a sudden to do “teaching” sort of things. The thing is, I would have had in all probability, the same opportunity if I were still dating him. But for whatever reason, they are all turning up now.
As in past experiences, it takes a life experience to get me into the throes of otherwise dry theological study. When I was a friend to several Mormons, I started to look into why I believe in the trinity, what I believe about heaven and continuing revelation, and became more largely literate of scripture.
More lately, my good friends are Catholic, and that has also caused me to dive more deeply into church history, the sufficiency of Scripture and Tradition, Church Authority, Apostolic Succession, as well as the issues I really have trouble with—the elevation of certain human creatures above others of us. I still don’t ultimately know what course this will take in my life. But I am learning and growing and feel a great stirring in my life, and I see both sides (Protestantism and Catholicism) more clearly than before. But neither compels me over the other. God will show me the way, however.
The interesting thing, though, is that in the wake of all this awfulness of the last few months, I am really learning more about my gifts and actually getting to put them into practice unlike before. And it is also further confirmation in my mind that I want to be a Professor and teach college students.
-Institutes a policy toward Christians not to seek Christians out, but if they were brought before the authorities they were to be punished, usually executed, for being Christians.
AD 120-140: Polycarp wrote letter to the Philippians.
AD 144: Marcion excommunicated
-Heretic, creator of widespread heresy Marcionism. Rejects the Old Testament, rejects most of the New Testament, and teaches that Christ only appeared to be human. His challenge helps the church realize the necessity of formally recognizing the canon
-Ante-Nicene Era lasted from the death of Christ’s direct Apostles through the First Council of Nicaea
-Council of Nicea: Christian bishops convened in Nicaea, Turkey. The Council was the first effort to attain consensus in the church through an assembly representing all of Christendom.
I went to a “Miracle Service” last night in Washington DC. It was amazing, although I did not even stay for the healing part of it! There were people of all ages and walks of life, many with visible maladies and handicaps, and many who were seemingly perfectly healthy.
The evening started out with praise and worship, which is ALWAYS a good start to an event in my opinion. One thing that saddens me is that my church does not really worship with abandon. I appreciate the opportunity to do so, so I tend to seek outside worship services.
Then the speaker got up to preach. He has witnessed and documented the miraculous healings of over 30,000 people all over the world. He had footage of services in Africa, India, and elsewhere of people dancing and singing and praising God after various handicaps, deafness, blindness, etc. He had amazing stories. But one thing really stuck out to me about his sermon.
He was absolutely insistent that the burden and power of the healing is the resurrected Lord! We had to say over and over, Jesus is alive! And it is his power in us that raises the dead, creates and destroys diseases. And he commanded destruction of disease and creation of healing.
I am not a skeptic of supernatural things. But often I don’t have the faith to believe that it will happen to me. In short, I believe that Christ can and does do ALL THINGS. But it is more of a leap to expect it in my own life. I also deal with the difficulty of how people who need healing must feel if they are not healed after various attempts at healing prayer and miracle services such as the one last night.
The priest addressed all of my concerns and more. He said that all the faith we need is the faith of this leper in Matthew 8: “And, there was a leper that came and worshipped him, saying, Lord, if you will, you can heal me (of this disease)... And Jesus put forth his hand, and touched him, saying, I will; be made clean. And immediately his leprosy was cleansed.” The leper, like me, believed that the Lord CAN theoretically heal, but wasn’t convinced that God would heal HIM specifically. I think I fall into this trap often. But we need only the faith to believe that the Lord CAN heal. Because in reality, our faith is never enough. We will always fall short of not believing God enough. So our healing is not based on our measure of faith.
And as for the individuals who are disillusioned after many attempts at healing, the preacher cited the man in Acts who had been paralyzed from birth. This man sat at the temple gate day and day, week after week, year after year. He doubtless had attempted many times to be healed by Christ, but was overlooked each time he got his hopes up. But eventually, in Acts 3, Peter and John said to him, “Silver or gold I do not have, but what I do have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk.” In commentary, the priest said, “To all of you who feel overlooked like this man did, you need to consider that Jesus did see him, and thought to himself, ‘Not just yet. I am saving you up for the book of Acts.” So, maybe the people were being saved up for last night…or future times. I liked that point.
Also, to the people who had been discouraged or dissuaded from hope by spiritual leaders and pastors, the priest sited the young boy with the five fishes and loaves of bread. In his naivete and innocence, the boy thought his offering was sufficient and wise. Yet it was the DISCIPLES who thought it foolish and unhelpful. They were the ones to nay-said the young boy. And Christ took that sacrifice and offering and made it wholly sufficient! The lesson here was that many individuals seek hope and healing, like the boy with the faith in Christ to multiply his offerings, yet have been shot down by spiritual leaders, to great detriment to their hope and faith. But you mustn’t regard them. The boy’s simple lunch was sufficient.
Those were some remarkable applications of Scripture to the healing service.
Also, the priest said that there are two things that keep people from being healed. The first is sin, and the second is unforgiveness. Repent of both of these things and confess them to God and other believers to be free. Then let healing flow through you through Christ in you, your hope of glory.
My friend mentioned, not rudely, that I am stoic (not A stoic, but stoic). I guess I am sometimes. About deep, heartfelt things going on within myself I can be. But generally I am more exuberant, I think. Hmmm...
Stoic definitions:
: not affected by or showing passion or feeling; especially: firmly restraining response to pain or distress
...Turn on those sad songs When all the little bit of hope is gone You know sad songs say so much...
Elton John "Sad Songs"
My version on Psalm 34. It's a sad time, but this is such a redemptive psalm. Thanks, King David, for authoring this inspired Word of God.
I will extol my Lord at all times. His praise will always be on my lips. I will glory in the Lord; let the afflicted hear and rejoice. Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt his name together. I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. I look to him and am radiant; my face is never covered with shame. This poor girl called, and the Lord heard me! He saved me out of all my troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around me because I fear him, and he delivers me. Juliet, taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed am I for taking refuge in him. Fear the Lord, you his holy people. I fear Him and therefore lack nothing. The lions may grow weak and hungry but I who seek the Lord lack no good thing. My children will listen to me and I will teach my kids the fear of the Lord. I love life and desire to see many good days, therefore I will keep my tongue from evil and my lips from telling lies. I will turn from evil and do good; I will seek peace and purse it. The eyes of my Lord are on me, and his ears are attentive to my cry. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil, to blot out their name from the earth. I cry out and the Lord hears me; he delivers me from all my troubles. The Lord is close to me in my brokenheartedness and saves me as I am crushed in spirit. I may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers me from them all. He protects all my bones, and not one of them will be broken. Evil will slay the wicked; the foes of the righteous will be condemned. The Lord will rescue me, His servants; I who take refuge in Him will not be condemned.
