Being Chased by the "Old Girl"

The Relinquished Life. Galatians 2:20. My Utmost For His Highest Art, marklawrencegallery.com

I am dealing with some very big lies in my life that have been with me since childhood. Namely, that I am a very hurtful person, disguised by a façade of kindness and Godliness. Let me explain.

I was the oldest of four children, very dominant and strong willed. I was smart, crafty, selfish, and manipulative. I got what I wanted, and I usually dominated by siblings and exasperated my parents to get it. This continued until I was a young adult going to college. I remember in high school, one boy that I had a crush on told me, “you are the meanest nice person I know; or the nicest mean person I know.” That hurt!

Then I had the knowledge that I hurt one of my classmates so much that he wanted to end his life. I recall horrible names I used to call other people, and all the mean thoughts I had in my head toward them.

But when I fully surrendered my heart to the Lord, everything changed. My words, mouth, and mind—which are my strongest gifts from God—had been held hostage by the devil and used for his purposes. Once I determined to take them back and use them for good, my words, thoughts, and communications have been full of light and life. I was redeemed from the old Juliet, and as it says in Galatians 2:2—my old nature was literally dead , crucified with Christ, and it was no longer me who lived, but Christ who enlivened my body and illumined my thoughts.

Yet, sometimes the people “who knew me when” recall me as the hurtful person that I was, and that image (false image!) of myself pre-Christformation returns and makes me feel and see myself as mean, dark, hurtful and selfish. I completely forget that my old self is buried in the shadow of the Cross.

But more or less I have moved completely forward since everyone I know now, at least in DC, has only known me in my true form (redeemed by Christ).

But my recent relationship ending has caused major ripple effects in this pattern in my life, and disconcerting fears have surfaced. Accusations of the enemy have returned full force in my life, accusing me of hurtful and ungodly actions and behavior. This has been extremely trying for me and is a struggle between my flesh and spirit, the old, crucified Juliet, and the Juliet of Blood who has been raised to life in Christ.

How to get rid of this haunting accusation from the past? TO BE CONTINUED….