Spiritual Autobiography Part Three

To my dearest and closest friends, I wanted to share something with you.

There have been many circumstances-- both external and internal-- that made me decide that I would return to the Catholic Church.

I decided to do so on Monday, and made an appointment for Confession on Wednesday. I went and confessed and was therefore free to receive Communion, which I did on Thursday.

Someone asked me if it felt any different than taking Communion at my Anglican church. It did not. I firmly believe that although the elements of Communion may be substantively different at different churches, God honors a heart in the posture to receive him.  My heart was receptive to him in the same way on Wednesday as it was the week before at Church of the Resurrection, but I have a different knowledge and understanding of the elements I am consuming now. I experienced a heightened reverence and expectation in my taking Communion, but I did not feel different. But feeling a certain way is not the goal, end, or proof of actions of faith, in my experience.

I can tell you that I did hear from God in a much easier, audible, direct, and intuitive way after taking Communion. I believe that this is because I obeyed Him in a way that was scary for me and required a big leap of faith. I essentially gave my “fiat” (a nugget of wisdom shared with me by a friend) and acted on the small mustard seed of faith and bowed before God’s nudging. I think He showed himself powerful and ever-loving to me in my act of submission, and that is why I heard from him in an extra-special way.

Meanwhile, I am meeting with the head Pastor from my Anglican church soon and I am going to tell him about this. Please pray for me to gain perspective and direction about what to do next. I need to talk and think and pray more about what to do about my current church, which I love. I am also extremely sensitive and cautious about sharing this information, NOT because I want to be secretive, but because I want to be private for now.

I don’t appreciate or want to participate in hearty community expressions of “oh good, now you are RIGHT, or you finally saw the light,” or other judgmental and xenophobic expressions that I don’t identify with at all. That will never be my heart for God’s people. So I want to kind of hibernate in my relationship with God and of course maintain my Godly friendships and community (all of which are outside of the walls of the Church building anyway) and not jump in and get involved in spreading the news that I have returned to the Catholic Church.

For me, what is important for people to know about me is that I am the same Juliet (or JuJuBee) as I was before. Just because I go to Mass and take Communion rather than staying in the pew, does not mean that my faith will change in any way but in expression. A seed of faith was planted in my heart as a child, and this is where the latest growth spurt of God-ordained maturity is taking me.

So thank you, friends, my beloved friends, for your generous, loving and wise spirits. I am only the woman I am today because of all of you!

Love,

Juliet

Take that, iPod and Blackberry

"Our inventions are wont to be pretty toys, which distract our attention from serious things. They are but improved means to an unimproved end.” -- Henry David Thoreau (1854)

On the Importance of Loving Rightly

"Every person is what he loves. Love becomes like unto that which it loves. If it loves heaven, it becomes heavenly; if it loves the carnal as a god, it becomes corruptible. The kind of immortality we have depends on the kind of loves we have…the slow conversion of a subject into an object, of a lover into the beloved, of the miser into his gold, of the saint into his God, discloses the importance of loving the right things. The nobler our loves, the nobler our character. To love what is below the human is degradation; to love what is human for the sake of the human is mediocrity; to love the human for the sake of the Divine is enriching; to love the Divine for its own sake is sanctity."
--Fulton Sheen  

Just Around the Corner

I took a beautiful dress to an alterations shop last night. I am so excited to have a dress that is the perfect length and fits me perfectly. I will be wearing it in a wedding in three weeks (three weeks!!) in Tiburon, California. I am so excited. I love the dress, and I love the lady getting married and her very sweet, very loving fiancé. I also have loved getting to know her family better, and they are one of the very best families I have ever known.

I get to spend time with two of my close friends who will be staying with me at my aunt’s house, as well as see my aunt, my mom, and my little cousin. It will be a blast, and a house full of femininity, that is for sure. (My poor uncle!).

Confession

Dear Jesus, please forgive me for loving 'things' too much. I love some of my earrings and my clothes too much. I treasure and value and care for them, and I am thankful for them, because they are a gift from you. And I thank you for them. I pray that you remove any unwarranted attachment to them and help me to love you and not things.

Amen.

Thanks Be To God

Prayer for Humility

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being honored, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being praised, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being approved, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being humiliated, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being despised, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected, Deliver me, Jesus.

That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease,  
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside,  
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I unnoticed,  
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything,  
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should,  
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

Dear Mr. Hitchens

Dear Mr. Hitchens,

I hope this note finds you well—and in a timely manner. I am skeptical of the @aol.com email address; not many people I know still use AOL. But I hope that your eyes do see this someday soon. I am in a sense a fan of yours: more a fan of you as a person than of you as an author, because I have truthfully never read any of your books. I have, however, read your articles; I prefer vignettes, columns, editorials, and commentaries for the same reason I prefer portraits of people. The artist must find the essence of the individual and capture her in one image or short composite of images. Beauty is not the goal, necessarily, but breadth and depth of expression.

I have followed your health crisis of the last few years, and have contemplated sickness, disease, restricted livelihood, and the eternal nature of humanity and the whole created order. We likely disagree on much, but surely also share much in common. There really is not much variation between two feet, two hands, two eyes, and two ears the world over. On the spectrum of life’s experiences, chances are we could really resonate with one another’s joys and grief.

I have recently been on a transforming journey of grief that touched the depth of my heart, but even in the depths of this grief, I am not without hope. One of the most poignant philosophical thoughts (I believe it is attributed to C.S. Lewis) is that the mere inkling of hope is in fact a supernatural allusion to Christ’s Resurrection. There is no reason to expect hope or a happy ending when all that stares us in the face is decay and destruction. Where is this universally experienced foreshadowing coming from? It can only come from the preeminence of God and his eternal nature as Alpha and Omega.

Despite the despair and grief that sometimes consumes mind and heart, my soul and spirit cry out to God, trusting that He is sovereign and that He cares. The great safety net of Christian faith is not that bad things will not happen, but that when they inevitably do, God will “work all things (ALL THINGS) together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His promises” (Romans 8:28).

Here are two sonnets I  wrote in my grief and struggling with hope, heartbreak, trusting God, and moving on. I share them with you because you may appreciate why I write, and possibly empathize on the human level of the plea for hope and wholeness.

Thanksgiving For When It's Hard

I find it difficult to praise and thank

You Lord when a grin is not a reflex

response; when Your Will brings regret and vex

Yet you want me true, in word and deed, frank.

So I tell you this Thanksgiving that I 

Am grateful that you weep when I am hurt;

Consoling me through pain you don’t avert

You can—but don’t—“let this cup pass me by.”

Therefore I trust your greater high purpose

You work all things—ALL THINGS—for Good for those

Like me, who in faith, want just what You chose

I say and mean it; help my heart feel this. 

Thank you, my God, that my pain’s not the end,

I fell in love when you made me your friend!

Moving On

Tonight I buried myself alive, Love

I dug a hole in faith that this is best

Put all the relics I must grow free of

Whilst still breathing, I stifled in death’s rest

Suffocating, my heart down there drowning

My soul is with the items laid in sand

Each grain like a hope in past love I’d cling

Now shoveling with furied passion at hand

I’m not Godly like Abraham, his son

he did not withhold, but gave faithfully;

Can’t will myself let go this dearest one

Unless I’m lost too… my sinful folly.

Lord, my offering is paltry, please take

my mustard seed trust, with it a tree make.

Peace be with you, Mr. Hitchens! And I will continue to pray for you to be at rest and know the Love and kindness of my God.

Love is not a Fight

Watch VIDEO By Warren Barfield

Love is not a place
To come and go as we please
It's a house we enter in
Then commit to never leave

So lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
We'll work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

To some, love is a word
That they can fall into
But when they're falling out
Keeping that word is hard to do

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

Love will come to save us
If we'll only call
He will ask nothing from us
But demand we give our all

Love is a shelter in a raging stormLove is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

I will fight for you
Would you fight for me?
It's worth fighting for

What are the words of the Lord like?

And the words of the LORD are flawless, like silver purified in a crucible, like gold refined seven times. 

--Psalm 12:6

Don't Be Surprised

"Grace is Change, and Change is Pain."

- paraphrase, Flannery O'Connor

The Most Romantic 'Man' in the World

Jesus Riding on a White Horse (Revelation 19)

1 You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
   and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
   too lofty for me to attain. 

- Psalm 139: 1-6

Wow. Today is a big day for me for several reasons, and a particularly hard one for me this year. But God is good and shows me that he loves me even when I couldn’t be less thrilled with where He has me for right now. He is the most romantic man in the world, and He knows me and makes me feel special and beloved, and he knows the romantic, sensitive heart he put in my body.

About a year ago, I bought a pretty cross necklace. It was a providential find….from the fine jewelry department at Macy’s but on super clearance for $15. Amazing. About eight months ago, I lost the necklace.

I looked and looked for it everywhere I could think of. All of my drawers, behind my door, under the bed, under the rug in my room. Everywhere. I couldn’t figure out what had happened to that necklace.

Well, I came home during my lunchbreak at work. As I was hanging up a few items of clothing, my necklace appeared on the rug in the middle of my room. I have moved and vacuumed this same rug many times since I lost the necklace.

Thinking on it, I noted God’s goodness, sweetness, and providence in restoring this sweet and precious symbol to me. This necklace has a lot of meaning to me and I am so glad to have it back. The fact that I found it today, of all days, is especially poignant. Thank you God, I love you!

"Well, That Was Creepy"

I taught Sunday school this week, and forgot to bring my laptop for the music. I was able to ask one of the kind worship leaders to come downstairs and play a song for the kids, but after he went back upstairs, my partner wanted to sing one more. That meant that he and I had to sing a capella a song that the kids like and know. We did, it was frightening but it went okay.

After we finished, one of the boys, probably nine years old said, "Well, that was creepy!"

...And Back to World Events

Since the 1950s, these things have changed, according to the book I read today:

1. Government Theism has increased in reaction to athiestic communism of the USSR
2. Military Supremacy replaced a norm of immediate demobilization days after wars' end
3. State Supported Capitalism as a primary foreign policy goal and platform.

This is very interesting. I had not realized that these were such start changes in foreign policy matters since the inception of the Cold War. 

One Example of True Love

The following is a song by Tenth Avenue North. I hope to fall in love someday with someone as understanding as the speaker in this song. The grace for the sinner/shamed/fearful/scared is truly incredible. He is covering her and extending grace, loving her as himself, and not holding her sins/fears against her. 

OH MY DEAR by Tenth Avenue North

I called you up, you were in bed, could barely make out the words that you said
But you wanted to see me instead, so I got dressed
So I stepped out into the snow, and walked for a mile or so
Felt the rush of blood come from the cold, within my chest

Well, you finally came to the door, and we talked for an hour or more
Until I asked if you would stay up until four, and you said that's fine
But you said "theres something I have to say, and I can't because I am just so afraid"
And so I held you as you started to shake, that night.

Oh, my dear, I'll wait for you
Grace tonight will pull us through
Until the tears have left your eyes
Until the fear can sleep at night
Until the demons that you're scared of
Disappear inside
Until the guilt begins to crack
And this weight falls from your back
Oh, my dear, ill keep you in my arms tonight

You slowly lifted your head from your hands
You said "I just don't think you'll understand
You'll never look at me that way again
If you knew what I did"

And so your tears fell and melted the snow
You told me secrets nobody had known
But I never loved you more, even though
Now I know what you did

Oh, my dear, ill wait for you
Grace tonight will pull us through
Oh, my dear, ill wait for you
Grace tonight will pull us through
Until the tears have left your eyes
Until the fear can sleep at night
Until the demons that you're scared of
Disappear inside
Until the guilt begins to crack
And this weight falls from your back
Oh, my dear, ill keep you in my arms tonight

Thanksgiving Preview

Dear Ones,

It is only early September, but I feel deeply in my soul that Thanksgiving is right here, right now. The cool, rainy, and overcast weather has swept the dusty last days of summer away. I lament the end of the glorious sunny season, but somehow I always end up warming to the heart of the autumn season. While spring is the season of growth, and summer is the season of ripening and glorying in bounty, fall has its own unique charm: for me, fall represents the moment at which– the nanosecond at which—the almonds are perfectly roasted to bring out the fullness of the flavor, the muffin tops are perfectly browned, and the trail of fragrance from the baking spiced cake wafts to your nose and fills the house with a warm, autumn aura.

Autumn is a perfect moment, and it feels to me like a celestial hug. It is the feeling of pulling your down comforter over your face and snuggling into the warmth of your blankets, a delightful contrast to the chilled and fresh air on the other side of the covers. Warm autumn memories, sights, sounds, and smells are a constant delight.

I am so thankful to have these blessed associations to hearken back to when it is hard to be thankful. On the simplest level of weather, atmosphere, and basic provisions needed for warmth, dryness, and sustenance, our God is at work to show us His Goodness. And I am grateful. May I never forget it!

For this, and for all the more meaningful blessings of family, faith, hope, and love, I am eternally grateful. Happy Thanksgiving!

Love,

Juliet

Thanksgiving For When It's Hard

I find it difficult to praise and thank
You Lord when a grin is not a reflex
response; when Your Will brings regret and vex

Yet you want me true, in word and deed, frank.

So I tell you this Thanksgiving that I 

Am grateful that you weep when I am hurt;

Consoling me through pain you don’t avert
You can—but don’t—“let this cup pass me by.”

Therefore I trust your greater high purpose
You work all things—ALL THINGS—for Good for those
Like me, who in faith, want just what You chose
I say and mean it; help my heart feel this. 

Thank you, my God, that my pain’s not the end,

I fell in love when you made me your friend!

--JTG

The Way of A Pilgrim

How to pray without ceasing: excerpted from "The Way of a Pilgrim," translated by R.M. French

The prayer that doesn't stop is the prayer of Jesus, the uninterrupted calling upon the name of Jesus with the lips, in the spirit and in the heart, while forming a picture of his presence and imploring his grace during every occupation--at all times, in all places, even during sleep. The appeal is couched in these terms: "Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me"-- a Western mantra if I ever heard one. One who accustoms himself to this appeal experiences a result so deep a consolation and so great a need to offer the prayer always that he can no longer live without it and will begin to voice itself within him of its own accord. Sit down alone and in silence. Lower your head. Shut your eyes. Try to put all other thoughts aside. Be calm. Be patient. For the first two days, the pilgrim is told to repeat the prayer 3,000 times, 6,000 times for the next two days, then 12,000 times, and then without limit. 

As I read more of how this worked out in the ancient pilgrim's life, I will update my blog! Until then, keep repeating, "Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me, a sinner."

 

Reflection on the Earthquake

How hard it is to pass this fixation;

Stay back, get behind, I’m on my way to--

That is, ‘til here you are --forgetting you;

but too much triggers your reconstitution.

Today your safety my mind coveting

Fearsome world news and your face haunts my mind

Not for fear of your harm, but a thrill find

in quake’s strong tremor we could be sharing.

I care for your safety, warmth and comfort

Stark contrast to your expired concern

That I reach home each night, a safe return

To secure my safety no longer exert

In my worry I feel the sad, new, dearth

Of any hero but Christ on this Earth.

Remember King Midas and the Golden Touch?

Thomas a Kempis, The Inner Life

Do you imagine that worldly men suffer little or nothing? Ask the most wealthy and you will not find it so.

But, you may say, they enjoy many pleasures, and follow their own desires; in this way they make light of any troubles. Yet, even if they enjoy whatever they desire, how long will this last? The rich of this world will vanish like smoke, and no memory of their past pleasures will remain. But even in their lifetime they do not enjoy them without bitterness, weariness, and fear, for the very things whence they derive their pleasures often carry with them the seeds of sorrow. And this is but just; for having sought and followed pleasures to excess, they may not enjoy them without shame and bitterness. Ah, how short-lived and false, how disorderly and base are all these pleasures! Yet so besotted and blind are such persons that, like dumb beasts, they bring death to their souls for the trivial enjoyments of this corruptible life! My son, do not follow your lusts and do not be self willed. Delight in the Lord and he will grant your heart’s desire.

-- Christ speaking to the Disciple, The Inner Life

Ennui

I love being with my family and hanging out with people. In theory, I also like traveling. But in reality, I don’t know... I really do like to have my things around me to organize and cultivate. When I am away, I feel like my hypothetical garden doesn’t get tended, my hypothetical children don’t get raised, and my hypothetical dog doesn’t get walked and loved sufficiently. I need to continue to grow and cultivate my things. That is why I like don’t really enjoy traveling all that much. And I think I would like it even less if my “stuff” traveled with me without being rooted in a geographical place, like in an RV. I really like the idea of building and maintaining and improving a home and developing my ideas, surroundings, and belongings.

Kindness is the Language which the Deaf can Hear and the Blind can See ~Mark Twain

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another,
as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved,
compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. Colossians 3:12

He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord
require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk
humbly with your God? Micah 6:8

The character quality of kindness is one of the most rare and the most valuable. We often assume this quality in people around us, but that can be deceiving. This is because the people we “like” and spend time with are nice to us, naturally. “Even the pagans…love those who love them.” It is an entirely different character trait to harbor internal kindness toward those who are not our friends and those whom we do not approve. 

Kindness is also a slippery concept. What does it exactly mean? Is it like “niceness” or “charity?” Here are a few verbs that get closer to the true meaning which I am trying to pin down in this blog post: “Good will; benignity; grace; tenderness; compassion; humanity; clemency; gentleness; goodness; generosity; beneficence; favor.” Another well fitting synonym is “big-heartedness.” 

When I looked up all of the quotes on kindness I could find online, most of them deal with reciprocity: repay kindness for kindness. Or about specific acts of kindness. But I am more interested in the inner state of the heart, the charity and good will that resides there. It is not about other people, though it affects other people, it is about one’s internal heart and will condition. I want to be generous in my thoughts and love and good-will toward everyone. Both my friends and strangers. 

This is one of the most attractive things about Jesus, in my opinion. I would have followed Him around Galilee if I was a little girl growing up in that time period. I would have melted and loved to see him help the lame, the blind, the feeble, the sick, and the weak. His heart of kindness is so generous and meek, and his love for the children is so stirring. I want to approach every other person with this kindness. Not only externally, but internally most of all.

My Location and My Books

America, the Beautiful: YOSEMITE National Park

I am spending a little over two weeks in California. I will be attending a staff conference next week in Yosemite, which will be a wonderful trek into nature. The rest of the time I will be able to visit with my family and see friends that I see all too seldom. Talking to them face to face will be such a blessing.

I also hope to make progress on my school work at the library at the university where my father works, and get through many of the books I am reading. 

I just finished “Atonement Child” by Francine Rivers which is a very compelling, thorough, and compassionate novel that discusses the issue of abortion from almost every single angle that people struggle with. The abortionist is a compassionate, do-good doctor who wants to atone for his sisters’ death from an illegal, botched abortion. The protagonist is a victim of rape, and her mother and grandmother both had abortions for different reasons. The economic insecurity, an oft cited justification for abortion is given its due consideration, as the protagonist is a broke college student with unsupportive parents, and no father in the picture. She is also deserted by her picture-perfect legalistic fiancé when she is raped and found to be pregnant. The story was compelling because it painted the issue from almost every angle and line of argument I have heard, and put a human face to everyone, including the abortionist. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has come into contact in any way, shape, or form, with the issue of abortion. I have learned so much about this issue since I have committed to praying to end abortion in our country, and it is all handled beautifully and redemptively in the Francine Rivers novel. 

I am also reading Jesus of Nazareth Volume I, which looks carefully at Jesus’s life from his Baptism to his transfiguration. I would like to finish most of this (I am in the middle of the Sermon on the Mount) so I can start Volume II, the Passion narratives, when I get back. I am reading it with a friend, and I am so excited to work through the Lord’s life on earth. The book looks at who Jesus is through the lens of the entire Bible, Old and New Testament. Most books on the life and teachings of Jesus just utilize the Gospels, rather than drawing on the Old Testament and the Law, Prophets, and Psalms which he not only came to fulfill, but was also intensely aware of as a Jewish man. 

I am also reading a book about the life and writings of Saint Bernadette. I am doing this for an important reason, and am not sure what I will come to think when I am finished. I decided to read about her after I visited a monastery in DC for some quiet prayer time and a beautiful respite from busy Capitol Hill. I enjoyed seeing the recreations of the Holy Land, such as replicas of Jesus’s tomb, the Temple Mount, and other things I can’t remember. But the largest and main attraction other than the beautiful church was a replica of a grotto where Mary allegedly appeared to a young woman. I didn’t know anything about this story. Upon further investigation, it appears that it was Mary appearing to a young, uneducated French peasant named Bernadette, and the apparition appeared to Bernadette eighteen times in the 1850s in the French town of Lourdes. 

I don’t know what I think about this. I don’t think it is impossible—nothing is impossible for God—but I was very curious to know what kind of person would be graced with such a visitation. So I decided to read about who Bernadette is, what personality and convictions, habits, and disciplines she had, and what mindset she maintained. Then I can better grasp what to think about it. Why would Mary appear to someone like her? So I decided to read her primary source writings to see what kind of person she was. 

In my cursory investigation of this issue from before I started the book, I do know these two things from the Bible: 1. When the dead rise, they will be like the angels in heaven (Mark 12:25). 2. Angels sometimes appear to humans in Scripture (too often to cite specific examples). So I do think it is possible for Christians who have died to possibly appear to humans living on earth, but I can’t say anything more concrete than that. Samuel appeared to Saul after his death; during the transfiguration, Moses and Elijah were present and appeared to Peter, James and John. That’s all I know. Maybe I will have more thoughts on the topic after I finish the book. 

Some people may challenge me for looking so deeply into these distracting topics, as they are not essential or centrally important for faith and belief. I don’t, however, think they are rabbit trails or academic. It gets to the foundation of how God speaks to his people. Is it only through the written Word? Is it only through the written Word and individually in our own personal hearts? Or is it through the written word, personal interactions with God, and a multiplicity of other ways that are limited only by our understanding and acceptance of it? I want to know and hear and experience God in every way that He wants to speak to me. That is why this is important to me.

Certain other people whom I have great respect for, and a whole worldwide Church denomination believe that God was conveying something very important in this incident with Bernadette and Mary. I am just trying to see what might be the big deal, and use wisdom and discernment (without Hubris) when making a determination about its meaning for my life.

The Fear of the Unknown

“For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part;then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.”(1 Corinthians 13:12)

I confess to fearing the unknown. I am sure a lot of people feel this way. But I can turn a normal tendency into something extreme. I am not good at “casting all of my anxieties upon [God] because He cares for me.” (1 Peter 5:7). Instead, my wild and compelling imagination takes over. And I descend into vain imaginings. This is sinful! Why don’t I see that? Even more, it is telling God that I don’t trust that He is in control and knows exactly what He is doing in my life. 

I go into such deep thoughts of exactly how this or that might thwart my plans, if it happens in such and such a way. Really, all of these variables are so far from my control that it is positively futile, wasteful, and foolish (not to mention the wicked, sinful part of it) to dwell on such things.

In the Bible, and throughout the history of mankind, humans have looked for ways to know and control the future. This photograph initially reminded me of Snow White and wicked Queen's "Mirror, Mirror on the wall" prophecies. In 2 Samuel, King Saul first got rid of all the witches and divination, and then found one to conjure up the deceased Prophet Samuel for Saul to inquire of him. Even in the New Testament book of Acts, a slave girl was a profitable asset for her masters, as she would tell fortunes, and her masters lashed out at the disciples for casting out the evil spirits. After Jesus rose from the dead and instituted his Church on earth, there were many factions of "believers" who sought special revelations, new insights, and individual mystical experiences of faith beyond what was held in trust through the written and spoken Word of God in the Church. These Gnostics existed from day one until today. We all want to know the future, the special mysteries of the future. Many people grow obsessed and enter into unhealthy practices of many sorts, such as geneologies, numerical and astrological obsessions, all of which just distract from Christ. And really, they are all means through which we try to control the future. We cannot manipulate, control, or understand the immense and perfect mind of the Creator. We need to rest and trust in his consummate Goodness, Beauty, and Truth. 

Lord, help me to trust you in every moment of my life with every intention of my mind, and every act of my will. Give me the grace to continue to trust you  and not struggle to maintain control of my life and my future. 

Moving On

The risks and hardships of 18th Century America were many. 
Tragedy occured on a daily basis..lives were lost through warfare, 
accidents and illness. Survivors, by their nature, had to accept, 
and continue with their lives. Bryant White

Moving On

Tonight I buried myself alive, Love

I dug a hole in faith that this is best

Put all the relics I must grow free of

Whilst still breathing, I stifled in death’s rest

Suffocating, my heart down there drowning

My soul is with the items laid in sand

Each grain like a hope in past love I’d cling

Now shoveling with furied passion at hand

I’m not Godly like Abraham, his son

he did not withhold, but gave faithfully;

Can’t will myself let go this dearest one

Unless I’m lost too… my sinful folly.

Lord, my offering is paltry, please take

my mustard seed trust, with it a tree make.

--JTG

Welcome to George Washington University

My first month in DC...FIVE whole years ago!

My first room in DC...I thought I could live permanently without a bed.

GW Campus...It's way cooler now!

In two weeks, my youngest brother, Paul, will be moving into the dorms at GW. I am so very excited to have him in DC with me. While I love this city and all it has to offer and all the people it brings together, there is one thing it has NOT brought together: my family.

So Paul is transferring to GW to finish his degree in Security Studies. I am so happy. And apparently, so is GW. Since the last time I really payed attention to the goings-on in Foggy Bottom, a huge new (HUGE! NEW!) apartment/office building has been completed, along with a deli/cafe, Sweetgreen yogurt and salad restaurant, a fancy restaurant, a mediterranean restaurant, and a Whole Foods. These are just beginning to open up, one at a time, and the Whole Foods will be open the day before Paul's birthday. I am not sure if he will be looking for a job, but that would be a great one!

Also, I can't wait for him to learn about Gelman library, and its attache, Starbucks (Gelbucks). I love this library. It is teeming with people and there are all sorts of arrangements of study rooms, open space, tables, desks, comfy chairs, couches, loud rooms and quiet rooms, laptop rooms and no-laptop-rooms, undergraduate and graduate rooms, pretty much anything you can imagine. The library is open from 7:30am to midnight during the summer and 24 hours during the school year I think (I try NOT to be in the library in the middle of the night--ever!) and the Starbucks is also 24 hours and is probably the busiest one in the country. Not great for studying, but it is great for picking up on the local college culture and flavor, which is much to be had!

Paul, GW and DC and I welcome you here! I wish I could be here to get you from the Airport but I will be in Yosemite :( But you will be able to get situated and all set on your own! I love you! Can't wait to see you! I am already trying to think of a tradition we can start....like I take you to lunch every Sunday or brunch after morning church maybe. We shall see!

Love! Your Sister!

Spiritual Autobiography Part II: Brushing Up on Church History

...Continuation from  Part One

Up to this point I have really glossed quickly through the first part of my spiritual autobiography. There’s more that could be said, of course, but the more interesting part is what has been happening in the past years and currently.

I was completely content with being open minded and agnostic regarding the ranking of churches or Christian denominations and traditions as “better/worse” than others, at least with regard to orthodox, evangelical Christian churches. I see God moving and working in a wide spectrum of good churches in this city that all cater to a different demographic and have a different worship style.

But as I grow more mature in my faith, I began to be unsettled with my ‘agnostic’ view regarding important practices of faith such as communion, baptism, ‘steps for salvation’ and other social norms such as alcohol use and birth control. I came to a point where I wanted to know what I believed about these issues. And “seeing both sides” wasn’t working for me anymore as a well-informed Christian. I don’t tend toward dogmatism, and wouldn’t necessarily impose my determination on others, but I thought I should know what position I believed was the most supportable by Scripture. How should I reach a conclusion? One insightful way is to look at what the Christians who lived closest to Jesus’s time believed about these otherwise up-for-debate issues.

Providentially, some friends in a small discipleship group suggested that we spend the summer studying the Early Church fathers. Basically, this refers to the men and women who lived during Jesus’s life, death, and resurrection and learned from Jesus himself (Apostolic Church Fathers), and the individuals who learned from the twelve disciples (Ante-Nicene Church Fathers) and the future leaders that they mentored and taught. This takes us from the years of Christ through the Council of Nicea which determined the creeds of the Church, and the foundational doctrine of what Christians believe from that time until today. The years in question are 0-330 or so.

While I haven’t been able to delve deeply into what they believed about the certain subjects in question, I have been astounded by the implications of the early church. In looking at early Christian Church history, it does appear to me that there was only one single formal Christian Church from the time of Christ’s resurrection to the 1500s when the protestant reformation occurred. That was 1500 years of unity before the schism that sent Christianity in several directions, many of them dying and unglorifying offshoots, such as the relativist, unorthodox mainline denominations who do not view the Bible as objectively true and authoritative.

This raises an interesting question of how we think of and read the church fathers. We trust them to establish orthodox creeds of the church, to eventually compile scripture and to pass on the teaching from Christ to his disciples, to their disciples, and down the line. So, should what the church fathers believe about the spiritual practices in question inform our own understanding of how Christ wants his people and his church to act? For example, did they believe in the Real Presence (literal presence of Christ’s body and blood) in Communion? How, then, can we claim that it is a symbol?

And more interesting for a protestant, what happens if the early church fathers regularly accepted, believed in, and engaged in practices that the protestant church later spurned during the reformation? If early Christians we deeply trust did such things as praying for the deceased, praying to the saints, holding traditions about Mary’s ever-virginity, and her sinlessness and lack of mortal death, should we then also believe those things?

I don’t know, but the Church History discussion has kept the wheels turning in my mind. More on my current spiritual growth spurt in Part Three. And I think that’s it for the Church history bit.  

On The Uses of Adversity

The following chapter from “The Inner Life” by Thomas a Kempis is the most amazing few paragraphs I have read regarding “the fear of man versus the fear of God.” It is so easy for me to seek affirmation from others, when I should be more mindful that I am blessed, chosen, adopted, accepted, redeemed and forgiven by God (Ephesians 1:3-7). One thing I have been struggling with lately is how much my own self regard is tied to the good opinion of others. But I am not alone in this. Even Lizzie Bennett in Pride and Prejudice is also known to fear the opinion of a certain Fitzwilliam Darcy. Like the refrain in my head, Lizzie states, “I cannot bear to think that he is alive in the world and thinking ill of me.” Oh Lizzie! It doesn’t matter who thinks ill of you when you know what God thinks of you; that he judges and looks upon the heart. I need someone to instruct me in this way. I will leave it to these prescient words from an ancient saint circa 1380.

On the Uses of Adversity, The Inner Life

"It is good for us to encounter troubles and adversity from time to time, for trouble often compels a man to search his own heart. It reminds him that he is an exile here, and that he can put his trust in nothing in this world. It is good, too, that we sometimes suffer opposition, and that men think ill of us and misjudge us, even when we do and mean well. Such things are an aid to humility, and preserve us from pride and vainglory. For we more readily turn to God as our inward witness, when men despise us and think no good of us.

A man should therefore place such complete trust in God, that he has no need of comfort from men. When a good man is troubled, tempted, or vexed by evil thoughts, he comes more clearly than ever to realize his need of God, without whom he can do nothing good. Then, as he grieves and laments his lot, he turns to prayer amid his misfortunes. He is weary of life and longs for death to release him, that he may be dissolved, and be with Christ. It is then that he knows with certainty that there can be no complete security nor perfect peace in his life."