[excerpt from a letter to a loved one of mine...the Truth of my heart just tumbled right out. Tread carefully, please]
…I wish I could just sit down and talk to you for a good long time, face to face. And do I ever HEAR you on the walking this thing out with just you and God. That has been the tenor of my life for a while now. There was a period over a year ago when I felt that I was supposed to be just pondering, collecting, and storing things up silently in my own mind and soul, to work out between just me and God. It was a time of silence and near-loneliness for me, but it was so good because I, too, have always run to the phone or email to pass on the experiences I was having and to gather up everyone’s opinion on an issue. That is not bad, per se, and God has given me such lovely and wise counselors in my life, but at the same time, sometimes it just NEEDS to be you and God alone. He needs some alone time with us. There is very much a time for Holy loneliness... I really felt called to solitude for a time. It also coincided with ending my full-time work schedule, so I wasn’t at work with ample time to email, so that helped, too. I did find that it helped me move forward (or away from) certain relationships that it was time to move away from.
I also know what you mean about letting other people have too much influence in your decision making. I have found that I am a people pleaser who gives too much power to others. When they are happy with me, I feel confident and good about myself. When I am not getting affirmation from others, I tend to be insecure and anxious and worried. But I read this amazing little tiny poem that has stuck with
me. It says:
“To inoculate me from the praise of man,
He baptized me in the criticism of man,
Until I died to control of man.”
…I don’t even really know what [I love you] means. I don’t know when I love someone, I don’t know what it means to be loved, and I don’t know what it means to be loved by God. I know He loves me, but I don’t know what that means. I do, know, however, that I love Him. I know what that means. And I pray to know even more love for my Savior. The woman who wrote the book “Stepping Heavenward” wrote the amazing old hymn, so simple but so true, “More Love to Thee.”
You can listen to a snippet of it here: (By Fernando Ortega, one of my favorite artists of all time).
But, yeah, I don’t even really know what it means that God loves me. I don’t doubt it, but I just don’t know that I receive it very well, if at all. I need to be more vulnerable and let people love me. And I need to love others more. I serve them and like them, but I don’t know what love is.
…In some ways, I feel like I don’t have anything to bring to a relationship. Especially in DC, people here are homogenous and everyone is good at the same things I excel in, and are interested in the same things as me. I don’t have any interests or hobbies or talents or anything like that at all. I don’t do anything unusual or interesting, and at this point, my “hobby” includes jogging on the Mall.
It is such a privilege for me to watch [all of my friends growing and excelling]. But sometimes it is hard, too. I feel like life is whizzing right by me. And frankly sometimes I feel so boring and like I don’t have anything going for me. I know that what I am working toward is a thankless goal, that will have one big payoff at the end, but boy has it just been an uphill marathon through the rain and snow and sleet and icy wind. It would be so nice to have a husband to love me and encourage me and affirm me in this. Instead, I feel like my accomplishments are going to the be the very thing that presents a barrier to achieving what I truly want most in life, to have a family full of children who will love Jesus and live out his Gospel in a community where other people will come to know Jesus.
So I am more scared today of where my life will end up than ever before. But I have faith that He who has called me will be faithful to complete it in the end. I am just in a funk, with my cousin getting married, and other friends not far from it. Wow, what different lives we lead. And it is so hard to be away from you when all of this is happening. I had intended that when my exam was over in September, that I would have free time to travel and connect with you and my family, but I feel like God has taken that away from me for the time being…
1 comment:
Wow, that is alot. And I am reminded of what Michelle McKinney Hammond says about learning to love. Jesus must be the first sufficiency in our life and the outgrowth of that love is our sufficiency to love others. How many young women do you know live in that sufficiency? Maybe more than average for you, but this sweet Holy loneliness is really intimacy.
As far as love goes, I am still learning that it really just means "preference." I prefer you over me. I choose your comfort, your convenience, your well being over mine. And, it pleasures me. Perfect? Not for us mere humans, but we latch onto God and He allows us to succeed much of the time.
You are a gifted woman, in word and in deed. Please don't envy the talents of another and miss what God has offered you. Even your jogging at the pace you do inspires me to stay constant, be steady, and succeed. The pace matters not, the effort and process is the real investment.
Live, and breathe, and love God and others tomorrow, and the next day, and the next for the rest of your life. You will experience, "more love to Thee."
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