A tearful revelation

This Christmas, I learned a lesson from my grandmother. After a long, fun, exhausting week of snowboarding, catching up with family, and expending all my extra energy in straightening my hair and making my bed—rare occurrences for me—Christmas rolled around. It was an early morning, a glorious day, a time for family, unhealthy food, awesome gifts, and fun and games.

But inside I was a bit melancholy. I was longing for the day that my exam would be over, and feeling old and displaced in Bakersfield. My mom came around with the video camera, and asked me what I wished for in 2010. I teared up as I said, “I want to pass my test in January.” I was feeling so hopeless and….wrong.

Still in my sad reverie, my grandma, always somewhat abrasive and inappropriate looked over at me and said, “so, do you have a BF?” (Yes, she used the abbreviation). I said, “What’s a BF?” And she said, “A boyfriend.” When I said a measured “No,” she replied, “Well, why not?”

At any other time on any other day anywhere else, this wouldn’t have bothered me, except for to less-endear her to me. But I took it as a screaming, “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?” which is telling, because it has been the hum that a particular serpent called Lucifer has been whispering into my ear about my education, my position in life, my financial status, my housing situation, my health, and now my relationship status.

That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I was livid. I was furious at her insensitivity. At her obnoxiousness over the course of the visit. I cried hot, angry tears…and I am not an angry person. I walked into my parents room to stop convulsing with anger and sobs. I was really bothered and upset.

I had calmed down a few minutes later, but I did not want to walk back out to the living room. Soon, my grandmother came back to my parents’ room, her eyes misty and her chest heaving with sobs. She started crying and said, “Grandpa said you left the room crying. I am so sorry. I never wanted to upset you or make you sad. I never want to make you sad. Just tell me when something’s none of my business. Everyone has their own time. I am so sorry. I never want to make you cry.” She continued to repeat her regrets and her sorrow over making me sad.

At that point, I puddled into tears for this pure and simple reason: I have never in my entire life had anyone apologize to me with such sincerity. She was truly, genuinely, authentically, and completely remorseful over hurting my feelings. It wasn’t even her fault, really. No one has ever wronged me enough to warrant such a sincere apology. But this was a beautiful example at what that would look like.

I have never been sorry for anything in the way that grandma was sorry. Some people would express emotional, tearful apologies over huge issues, like betrayal or something like that. But even then, it’s usually only when one is sorry for being caught. Grandma’s apology and sorrow was certainly not sorrow over being caught, but merely sorrow that she had hurt my feelings. Isn’t that amazing? I will never forget it.